CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
