ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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