I smell stomach acid.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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