i need an iv and a liver transplant
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
