Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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