the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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