I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
