I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
