Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
