He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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