I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
