I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
