I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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