Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
