Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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