A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
