Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
