how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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