Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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