I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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