I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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