There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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