I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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