brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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