i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
pop tarts are not kleenex
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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