if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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