Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
