Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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