her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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