Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
