someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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