i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
