Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Randomize
