He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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