We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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