Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
