Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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