I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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