Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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