genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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