Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
