I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
