my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
