well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
