You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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