i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
