i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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