wanna go halves on a baby?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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