There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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