We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
