The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
