If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We have started to decorate penises.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
