you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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