My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
