i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
