When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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